This will either be the beginning of the longest suicide note ever or just the beginning of my new blog. Only time will tell.
I have another blog that I will now have to go back to and amend somewhat. Just make it anonymous as I will be dicscussing things here that will surely get me into hot water somewhere. I am thinking mainly about my job as I expect that subject to come up often.
The main thrust of this blog is to discuss my insomnia and my depression. There's no point in getting into a "which came first" guessing game about these conditions but I will say that I remember being awake all night, every night long before I remembered being morose or even sad about anything.
Things are particularly bad now. I've tried several anti-depressant medications, mostly of the SSRI catagory, but I've not found significant relief with any one of them yet and several of them made me feel far worse. Suicidal even.
The drug companies are saying that that particular side effect occurs only with children and adolescents but I suspect there are just as many adults, if not more, who have seriously bad reactions to anti-depressants.
My purpose here is not to knock the pharmacuetcal industry. I'm sure many thousnds of people have been helped and even saved because of their products. I'm simply stating that this is not a one size fits all, or a one pill cures all world and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
See, I can't get away from the music entirely.
Getting back to why things are particularly bad right now. In just over two months I will be 49 years old. I've already lived eight years longer than John Lennon. This is something I have trouble believing, I'm not sure why. Anyway. I'm not sure about how to age gracefully and I know I'm nowhere near even approaching a mature and excepting view of the inevitable.
Most of my friends are married and happily I might add. I realize I'm not privy to what goes on behind closed doors in their homes but I've known most of these folks for over 25 years and I can recognize contentment just as readily as I recognize restlestness and dissatisfaction.
Okay, maybe the guys are a little more contented than the women. That's just a guess based on the general population and the normal (in this society anyway) condition that the women in these relationships are the primary caregivers for their children and perhaps for the entire family unit even if at the same time thay are also the primary breadwinners. Things have changed a lot since my Dad was in the child rearing business, which in fact, he never really was. He wasn't an absentee Dad, he was just very aloof, nearly to the point of complete disengagement. He was nothing like the Dad Fred MacMurray played on My Three Sons and I so wanted him to be.
He was more like Jackie Gleason a ring-a- dingy-doo. Woah that's good scotch. I shouldn't bitch too much. He was home when he wasn't travelling for his job and he only hit us for disciplinary purposes and not to punish my mother or because he was drunk. I don't consider myself to be an abused child and I think the world would be a much better place if parents returned to the judicious use of a good spanking.
I've gotten a little off topic there. Why things are particularly bad right now, right. I can't stand getting older. I hate the aging process. And doing it alone makes it all the more hateful.
I'd always imagined that I'd have a wife. The thought never occured to me that I would be spending my life alone. And dying alone. When I was in sixth grade listening to Eleanore Rigby I never for a moment thought that I was going to be one of those "lonely people."